“You cannot force someone to accept an expression of love. You can only offer it. If it is not accepted, you must respect the other person’s decision.” ~ Gary Chapman
I spend a lot of time at airports. It’s an awesome place to observe human behavior. Last week I walked behind two couples while we made our way towards the boarding gate. I assume the men were colleagues because their shirts displayed their company brand. The first couple walked side by side with the man’s luggage creating a tiny space between them while the second couple walked hand in hand. When they got to the boarding gates the first couple looked into each other’s eyes very lovingly. The man pecked the lady on her left cheek and hesitantly walked away from her. The second couple hugged each other and kissed thereafter the man went through the gates.
This incident reminded me of Dr. Gary Chapman’s work. Dr. Chapman is a renowned marriage counselor, and director of marriage seminars. He literally wrote the book on the different ways people express love. During his early years of counseling it was obvious to him that couples were missing each other when one would say, “I feel like he/she doesn’t love me.” And the other would say, “I don’t know what else to do. I try to show him/her that I love her.”
Here’s an example of a counseling session:
Husband: “I mow the grass every Saturday after I wash the car. I vacuum every Thursday night. I do the dishes at least four nights a week. I help her with the laundry. I do all of this and she says that she ‘does not feel loved.’ I don’t know what else to do.”
Wife responds: “He is right. He is a hard working man.” Then she began to cry and said, “But we don’t ever talk. We haven’t talked in thirty years.”
Dr. Chapman says “she is dying for ‘Quality Time’ while he is speaking ‘Acts of Service’.”
Husband and wife are both frustrated but get the picture.
Husband concludes: “Why didn’t someone tell me this thirty years ago. I could have been sitting on the couch and talking to her instead of doing all this stuff.”
After studying his notes which were collected over twelve years of counseling couples he found that people showed love and expected to receive love differently. The way people expressed their love fell into five categories. He called these the Five Love Languages:
1. Words of Affirmation: Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
2. Quality Time: In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
3. Receiving Gifts: Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
4. Acts of Service: Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
5. Physical Touch: This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
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