Our 21st wedding anniversary

“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.” ~ Lyndon B. Johnson

Yesterday marked the 21^st year wedding anniversary for Jennifer and myself. Looking back at our time together we had many great times and some not so great times. There were times when I was bursting with joy and declared that getting married was the best thing that I’d done and there were times when I was bursting with anger wondering how two people in love can be so angry with each other. Throughout my years of speaking and coaching I’ve discovered that this is the norm for many couples. I have a confession to make.
Becoming a student of human development has brought richness to my relationship with Jen and our kids. I honestly feel that without pursuing human development our family dynamic would be different. I hope I’m not coming across as knocking down families that are not on the path of human development. There are families that are perfectly happy because all family members follow a set of beliefs and values without question and that keeps them together. I questioned everything from a very early age. I rejected all beliefs and values. I live life exploring and seeking that which is true for me. I have not passed on any beliefs, including religious beliefs, to my kids. I encourage them to be seekers. They seek their path and it’s a privilege for me to be part of that process. Now, back to the story of my marriage. Axiology is the science of human values. It enables us to identify the internal value systems that influence our perceptions, decisions and actions. When I understood the concept of the internal value system in humans I clearly understood why we do what we do. We all have values and we arrange our values on a hierarchy from highest to lowest. We tend to spend our time, money and energy based on this hierarchy of our values. We place our attention on that which is high on our value system but pay very little attention on things that are low on it. Because we spend our time, money and energy based on the hierarchy of values we tend to judge people based on our value system. I realized that I was judging Jen and she was judging me. I also learnt that young people get married, with the assumption that their partner will complete them. But after the romance period is over, you may hear one say to the other, “You were so nice when I met you, but you have changed.” When they fulfil each other’s values they share moments of happiness, but have arguments when they don’t see eye to eye or when their values are misaligned. A husband and a wife who are continuously arguing over money may end their relationship citing financial reasons for their divorce, when in reality they were arguing about their values. This was a “wow moment” for me. I connected the dots easily.
Early in our married life when Jen and I walked into any shopping mall together I would dash off to the book store. Jen on the other hand visited the clothing stores and other stores that appealed to her values. I placed and still place a very high value on education and learning. So every opportunity I get I attempt to spend my time, money and energy on that. It’s not that Jen does not value books and education. She just would not want to spend hours in the book store. While I explored the various books Jen would look for clothing for the kids and enjoy looking at the various clothing ranges. Comparing our value scales visiting clothing stores even when not buying anything is higher on her value scale compared to mine. Spending hours in a book store looking at hundreds of books even when not buying is higher on my value scale compared to Jen. During our early years of marriage we got into many arguments about clothing. It was not until I came across axiology which as I’ve mentioned is the study of values that I realized that I was not upset about the clothes, I was upset about visiting shop after shop without buying anything because according to my value system it was not the best use of my time. My moods would upset Jen and we would both come home sulking. It’s not like that anymore. Now I go to the bookstore so that Jen can take all the time she needs to shop. Later we meet for a meal and have a conversation. There are times when I do join Jen walking from store to store but I decide to do this consciously. When I’m with her in the clothing store I give her my full attention. Over the years I’ve been to many “chick flicks” and happy to share with you that Jen was brave enough to watch Batman, Ironman, Star Trek and Star Wars on the big screen. I cannot emphasize the following point enough. When we only fulfil our own values and deny that of others – we hurt the ones we love. Marriage and relationships are about communicating and sharing your values with each other. Ladies don’t keep your partner guessing. Tell him what your highest values are and hold him accountable. In return don’t disturb him when he is watching sport instead use that time as your “me time”.
Couples who invest in understanding each other’s values and live within the framework of that understanding are far more stable and happy than couples who don’t. For couples that are experiencing a troublesome relationship I hope that this blog will help you and for couples that are experiencing a blissful relationship I’m sure you are resonating with this blog.